Do you know someone about to celebrate their first Mother's Day as a mum? Well, here are our hot tips on what NOT to gift a new mum.
A lot of inappropriate stuff goes down during childbirth, from swearing at loved ones and strangers alike, shitting yourself, nudity (hopefully just from the birthing mum) and of course the pleading for drugs like a three-year-old broking a deal for chocolate ice-cream after dinner.
After the shit-show that is childbirth, there is a pretty clear list of gifts that should absolutely not be given, but for those who are yet to have children or may not be aware, we’ve put together our top picks for the most inappropriate gifts to give a new mum;
Topping our list, flowers! Fucking-hard-work!! That is all flowers are to someone who now has a tiny helpless human latched onto their aching nipples 24/7. They’re also a fucking pain to fit in the car on the way home from the hospital, because the 3.5kg human that just slide out mum's vagina needs more luggage that a Kardashian holidaying in Greece for the Summer.
Cutesy, frilly baby outfits in anything less than a size 1! Because there is no fucking way any new mum wants to upset the newborn by trying to maneuver it into an outfit with lace, zippers and zero stretch!
Alcohol – This is a grey area, as some mums do have unicorn babies, these are exceedingly rare babies that sleep for more than 2 hours, only poo every couple of days and feed on a schedule. If this is the kind of baby mum popped out, she probably wants to celebrate with a glass of wine. However, most mums get the garden variety baby that requires a boob in its mouth on demand, sleeps with one eye open and cannot be put down, so holding a glass of wine can be almost impossible.
Milestone Cards – this one follows the same theme as cutesy baby outfits…pressure arseholes! Like there isn’t enough on new mums…if there is a spare 5 minutes in the first 6 months with a new baby, mums need to chase those big life goals, like shaving their legs or washing their hair, not putting place cards on a baby. So, unless they are themed for the sweary mum and provide a good laugh like The Inapproropriate Gift Co’s Cheeky Caption Cards Baby Edition, forget about it!
Parenting books – A token of all the things new parents aren’t doing right. Thanks for making them feel even more hopeless, because let’s be honest, there is nothing that can help them now, and no doubt there will be absolutely zero time to read a fucking parenting book! Your Netflix password would be so much more appreciated!
Shoes – Believe it or not, babies cannot walk! They do not need shoes! Putting shoes on a baby is as challenging as dressing them in a lace dress with zero stretch, there is no help going on from the baby’s end, just a limp chubby little foot that truly does not belong in a pair of shoes. We do love these funny little Inappropriate I drink until I pass out baby socks...Do they have these in adult sizes too?
Gift voucher for a movie or night out...because that shit is just going to expire. Unless there is a unicorn baby involved, that new mum and dad are grounded like a teenager caught raiding dad’s beer fridge.
Swaddles, unless it is a straitjacket style with zips and padlocks don’t waste your money. It is obvious that babies complete some form of training with Houdini before they leave the womb, because there is no level of swaddling that can contain a baby!
The best way to help a new mum is to ensure she gets every minute of value out of the final days and weeks before the baby arrives! A fantastic baby shower is always a nice idea, and we have some great inappropriate baby shower balloons and fun gifts to lighten the mood, just be careful the mum-to-be doesn’t laugh too hard or she might pop a baby!
Here are some other top picks to get those new mums laughing this Mother's Day...
Buying a gift for a teacher is a lovely gesture- after all, we have a lot to thank them for! But we all know it can be hard to find something personal and useful that 30 other class mums haven’t already thought of!
Here are some tongue-in-cheek gift-giving ‘dont’s’ from The Inappropriate Gift Co.to help guide you through your Christmas gifting.
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