At this time of year nice mums start stressing about what to get little Johnny’s teacher (not me, I don’t like my kids teachers). But thanks to all my lovely inappropriate mums (who also happen to be teachers), here is our list of WHAT NOT TO GET THEM:
1. Personalised items
Do not get them anything with your kids name or face on. FFS, they’ve had to endure your little darling all bloody year – the last thing they need is a photo of him adorning a Christmas ornament and staring like Chucky at them during the Xmas break.
2. Homemade or handcrafted goodies
Any homemade or handcrafted goodies, especially if dirty Dylan helped make them. You may as well hand them a petri dish containing the ecoli virus or the Omicron strain and ask them to smear it into any open wounds. FFS put the prepared cookie dough away, no one wants to taste your wares (including your husband).
3. Handmade goodies
Do not attempt any handmade items either, they do not want your feeble attempts at craft. If you feel the need to crochet a Christmas tree, knit gloves, bake a gingerbread house, then treat yourself to those shitty gifts do not give them to a hard working teacher. The same advice goes to the crappy artwork from your 5 year old - that shit is for your eyes only!
Unless they are really really expensive ones! Don’t try and palm off those cheap smelling citrus or should I say "shitrus" candles. Unless it’s Jo Malone or Lumira, don’t even think about it, Karen.
5. Body and bath products
If you buy these you are obviously thinking about the teacher naked. Creepy, Karen! If it’s not a gift voucher from L’Occitane give it a miss. They do not want another bloody coconut and lime coffee scrub from Priceline.
6. Coffee mugs
They get at least 5 a year and they have been teaching for 15 years, that’s a lot of bloody cupboard space Karen! The only time a coffee mug is acceptable is if it is a gift from THE INAPPROPRIATE GIFT CO and don’t even think about getting them tea, coffee or a hot chocolate sachet with two marshmallows to go with it, the only thing they need in their inappropriate coffee mug is Grey Goose or Hendricks.
7. Anything that is marketed to shoppers as “Teacher Gifts”
You know the ones we mean – a wooden heart with ‘it takes a big heart to shape little minds’ Well you know what? It takes a little mind to buy such crap. You can be sure that whatever little treasure of a teacher gift you think you’ve found, they would have already received 10 of them.
Really? Well unless it is something from Tiffanys, I suggest you rethink those dangly elf earrings that will make her pierced ears pus up and scab within seconds.
9. A plant
Do I need to even explain? As if teachers haven’t got enough to worry about in the non-existent spare time they have. The plants they get at Christmas die, just like their will to live when school commences in January. I hate to mention this just in case someone does it, but they DO NOT NEED a packet of seeds with a handwritten note saying “thanks for planting the seeds of wisdom in to my child”. If you really must go green, get them a Bunnings Voucher but make sure it includes the sausage sizzle.
10. Chocolate or sugary treats.
Do you think they want to be a Size 16 and only be able to shop at Millers or Sussans? Nup. A box of chocolates literally translates to “Sorry I can’t be arsed getting you a gift but my kid insists that I need to, so I picked up this Pryamid Ferrero Rocher thingy at Coles so I don't get judged by the other mums" Don’t do it.
11. Personalised water bottle
A water bottle with something teacher-y on it like “I have a thirst for knowledge” or “this bottle contains the tears of my students”…the only tears will be yours as you get punched in the face because you are the 100th person to give her a cheap plastic water bottle.
12. Anything festive!
They do not need ANOTHER elf hat, Xmas ornament, snow globe with your kids face in it, wrapping paper, Xmas pens, Xmas photo frames, a bloody Xmas pudding, a ham bag, or if you’re Italian a Panettone. Please for the love of God, put that singing snowman back on the shelf at Ronnies!
13. Anything COVID related. Hand sanitiser, face mask, toilet rolls, The Department of Education provides this for free... It's not funny.
14. Last but not least is your own specially curated hamper... We all know what that means.. "the shit that has been in your cupboard since Keith Richards was born!" The out of date artisan plum jam from the Dandenong ranges, Quince paste, the jar of marinated olives with anchovies, the eucalyptus soap that smells of cat urine, the stale pistachio and cranberry crisp bread, the fermented ash miso chocolate..... FUCK OFF, the last thing they need to end the year is a bout of gastro!
Start treating your teacher like you would want to be treated. Club together with other parents and get a decent gift voucher or a nice bottle of alcohol or ANYTHING fromThe Inappropriate Gift Co. Don't forget to treat yourself either - after all you were their teacher for most of this year!
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