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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Aries
An Aries's to-do list: 1. Conquer the world. 2. Take a quick nap.
Aries - they will headbut you if you waste their time with stupidity
Taurus
Taurus might be a lover not a fighter, but you still shouldn’t fuck with a bull!
Gemini
Never mess with a Gemini, you might end up pissing off the wrong twin!
Immature, do not take a Gemini anywhere they have to be fucking serious.
Flipping between witty and whimsical faster than you can say dual personality
Cancer
Cancer's favorite dance move: the two-step between sentimentality and sarcasm
Leo
Leo: Where the spotlight shines, and the drama thrives!
Virgo
Virgos are like human autocorrect, always fixing everyone else's lives
Virgos: turning anxiety into Excel spreadsheets since birth
Libra
A Libra's indecision is so legendary that even their horoscope can't decide what to predict for them.
Scorpio
Scorpios have two moods: 'I'm fine' and 'I will solve this mystery and avenge it.
Scorpios are like fine wine – they get better with age and can be a bit intoxicating
Scorpios are the espresso shots of the zodiac – intense and best taken in small doses
Scorpios fuck around and find out.
Sagittarius
Don’t piss off a Sagittarius, they’re the only sign in the zodiac holding a weapon.
Sagittarius: turning travel dreams into credit card bills since forever
Sagittarius: the only sign that believes home is where the passport is
Sagittarius: making spontaneity look like a well-thought-out plan
Sagittarius Full of shit, just like the horse they rode in on.
Capricorn
Capricorns are the real GOATs of the zodiac –GreatestOfAll Time
Capricorns don't procrastinate; they're just collecting strategic data for optimal action
Capricorns are the ultimate planners; they even scheduled their midlife crisis
Aquarius
An Aquarius's exercise routine: lifting heavy opinions and running marathons of innovative ideas
Can't plan their escape from a wet paper bag. Lovely people but they do not have a fucking clue.
Pisces
Don't mess with a Pisces, they’re not your average Goldfish, they won’t forget!
Pisces: Swimming against the current in a river of dreams
Pisces: Anxious, and fucking neurotic because their hearts are too loving and cunts have continued to take advantage.
Need a gift for an Aquarius? Our Get Fucked Duck... will make them smile!
August 30, 2023
All true for this Sag! Also, don’t try lying to a Sagittarius – we know the truth and will play dumb to catch you lying later! Nice and sweet on the outside and a sarcastic goth metalhead on the inside!
August 24, 2023
I’m not stubborn, I’m a fucking Taurus!
Taurus – loyal, loving, faithful but you don’t want to fuck with them…
August 22, 2023
gemini- 2 for 1! One minute they are acting like assholes,then snap…total cunts They have no redeeming qualities.. Whiny , thirsty bitches. Never boring though
Aquarius- we love to think we invented being an individual..yawn. We tend to dress like burnt out hippies and use being unique to mask that we just have no fucking style . We are loyal ..
August 22, 2023
gemini- 2 for 1! One minute they are acting like assholes,then snap…total cunts They have no redeeming qualities.. Whiny , thirsty bitches. Never boring though
Aquarius- we love to think we invented being an individual..yawn. We tend to dress like burnt out hippies and use being unique to mask that we just have no fucking style . We are loyal ..
August 22, 2023
Gemini
Two faces bitch or double the trouble?
I’m a Gemini lol
August 22, 2023
Taurus. I’m bullheaded but romantic af
Aquarius, your a narcissistic prick.
Taurus, no I’m being realistic!
Aquarius, your an A-hole, I’m out of here and you’ll die a lonely man.
Taurus, shut the door behind you so I can finally sleep in peace and fucking quite
August 22, 2023
Cancer – crabby by name crabby by nature
Cancer -hard shell but soft and squishy inside
August 22, 2023
Cancer – crabby by name crabby by nature
Cancer -hard shell but soft and squishy inside
August 22, 2023
Gemini? Two faced bitch!
August 22, 2023
Luv luv luv
All for Sagittarius
All comments are my daughter to a tee
PLEASE tell me it will be avaliable for her birthday in November
August 21, 2023
I didn’t zone you out because I’m a Capricorn, it was more because I couldn’t be Fucked listening!
August 21, 2023
Aquarius: maybe I’m aloof, maybe I’m ignoring you.
Gemini: it wasnt me, it was my other personality
August 21, 2023
Aries: treat them right and they’ll be your most loyal ally. Don’t and they will watch you burn
Aries: Can hold a grudge with the best of them.
Aries: arrogant pig headed bastards.
(Yep I’m an Aries :) )
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Cindy Calderon
February 27, 2024
I’m a fellow Sag and concur with all sentiments, laughed my horses ass off!!
But PLEASE go back to School, it’s full “of” shit!
Although my sun-sign is Sag, my moon is in Virgo (so nit picky on detail) and my rising is in Cancer (allows me to easily connect with others, due to my sensitive nature. This energetic seeker of exotic destinations, finds it hard to sit still,
likes to do things right (or not at all) and our high standards can ruin friendships and leave us Single Forever!
Wanna taunt a sensitive Sag at the wrong time? You might as well, set fire to your pubes!!!
Saggie: Are often single due to their ridiculous high standards, end up broke and with no friends!
Famous Saggies: Taylor Swift, Brad Pitt and Tina Turner (R.I.P)
Libra: I used to be indecisive… but now I’m not so sure?