Was anyone else hoping to win the $150 million Powerball?
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Thanks to John and Sarah for forwarding through this weeks jokes X
The nun teaching in a Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.
''Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands and helps you to Heaven".
''What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Daddy hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.
The nun fainted.
A woman decides to have a Facelift for her 50th birthday, she spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
As many of you know, the past few months have given us a few things to deal with... life is never boring. I just wanted to thank you ALL for your lovely messages of support - I read every one and it really makes a difference to my day. Life is an Adventure - the journey we are on is bound to get bumpy at times. THE BEST THING ABOUT CHEMO DAY - is I post on my social media pages a request to get cheered up by memes and I kid you not for 4 hours in the chemo chair, I am laughing my arse off at all your memes.. THANK YOU! You guys are really helping me by #makinglifefunagain.
The nurses think I'm a bit of a crack pot - they are not used to someone sitting through chemo laughing their cancer ridden tits off!
It is Breast Cancer Awareness month in October, We have created a cheeky range of Cancer can F off products. A percentage of all profits from the sale of these items will go to the gorgeous team at Loveyoursister.org we would love your support. Cancer touches us all.