July 26, 2019 5 min read 38 Comments

The C Word

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3 

This time last week, I was thinking "Shit how am I going to get through two weeks of schools holidays with the annoying fuckers I call my family."  

This week I am thinking shit how fucking lucky am I to have these annoying fuckers in my life and I can't handle the fact that I may not live to see them grow up.   

It took roughly a week for my life to change – talk about sliding doors, more like fucking ultraspeed electronic doors  

Last week I went from everyday stresses like:   

  • Dog vomit in the kitchen; 
  • Gymnastics class time change so it now clashes with Jiu jitsu for the other kid;
  • Jo pleading with me to attend her Nutrimetics party on Saturday night ( I'll have to drive there and back – so we all know the answer is no);
  • Hubby saying "I don't understand how the credit card is back up, what Hamilton Island trip with the girls? No you didn't mention anything..." 

To stressing about one word - The C word and I don't mean cunt!

That moment when you know by the look in your Dr's eyes that she doesn't have great news: "Yes Mrs Phegan it is Breast Cancer and has spread to the lymph nodes and we are not sure where else at this stage."   

Well you could have knocked me down with a feather and shoved a kit kat up my arse... I wasn't expecting that! 

Warning - if you get offended easily or think that Cancer is not a subject to be joked about – you may as well stop reading now. I have always had a sense of inappropriate humour, it is in my DNA (which I think in my case stands for Definitely Not Appropriate).

I understand that cancer is a very serious subject and pretty much everyone is affected by it one way or another, but inappropriate humour is what is going to fuel me to get through it and for that I make no apologies.

It has taken me two weeks to get back up from that feather and remove the kitkat from my arse –  one thing that I have always believed in is that Life is Short, so Have Fun!This has just lighted a bright magnesium fuelled light beam on that phrase and in an instant made me realise what is important to me and just as importantly the shit that isn’t.

With this knowledge of cancer in my body, I am savouring every fucking second of my kids arguing, my dog barking and my husbands crappy jokes and my gorgeous friends who have kept me laughing the whole way through our tears and our wine.

My diagnosis and how it happened: 

Two weeks ago - hoovering my sons room and I was feeling particulary stabby - PMS was raging, you know the deal, hoovering (or should I say vacuuming) like you are possessed. I was in a semi rage because my son (who should know better at the age of 10) had taken a packet of extra cheesy Doritos and attempted to eat them in bed. When I say attempted, it looked like he had spilt most of them on the floor and proceeded to walk through them pushing orange crumbs deeper into the light beige carpet. 

Hoovering like a wildling - the cord got tangled and I managed to stab myself with the handle. I jabbed myself in the boob (which was tender anyway) and I think I screamed "for fucks sake". It was at that moment that I felt a lump on my boob.  

I would like to have said it was while my husband and I were making tender love with each other that he noticed, but no, I was hoovering. Had I waited for the lovemaking it would still be undiagnosed lol…  

I rang up and organised a mammogram. I was not overly concerned because I have always had lumpy boobs and check ups previously have been fine. I also have no family history. The mammogram came back all clear… happy days!

Luckily my doctor followed up with me and said we still need to test because there is a physical lump. So ultrasound, biopsy, another mammogram and we have a diagnosis of breast cancer Grade 3 HER2+ which has spread to my lymph nodes.   

This all happened in two weeks.  

UPDATE: 

I now have the best oncology team looking after me (I have to say that … my life is in their hands...lol), I started Chemo yesterday. I also have the best bunch of girlfriends to keep me sane and laughing. I call them my booby brigade, they all came round last night - we had a pity party, I got shitfaced.. So any illness I feel today is probably a hangover not from Chemo.  

Chemo - first round not too bad. Sat there in a warm comfortable chair for 5 hours, being bought tea and biscuits as they pumped the drugs into me.   (Perjeta, Herceptin and Taxane.)  They gave me a heated blanket, painted my nails black (apparently they become very sensitive to light) and gave me some cold gloves to put on and then just told me to sit back and relax...  I can't remember the last time I was treated like a queen. 

They gave me lots of drugs to take home and today I am feeling ok just a bit tired (but that's my usual state anyway! Lol).

My Next round of Chemo is in three weeks.  I will update you via this blog as it is cathartic for me and hopefully it may help others who are on the same journey.

Where to from here?

Running your own business is fun but a bit scary financially. I persuaded my lovely husband BUDGET BEN to leave his job of 13 years and join me in running our family inappropriate gift company. Our lovely customer service guru Sophie and mum of 4 also works her butt off for our Gift Co. It is just the three of us.  

Any support in terms of shopping at our store would be fantastic…maybe you could do your Christmas shopping early?  We will also be working on a range of inappropriate cancer gifts for people like me… who use inappropriate humour to get through trauma. We will also be donating a dollar from every sale of our fuck cancer range to breast cancer research.

My friends suggested I start a go fund me - I am the last person to ask for charity nor did I want my friends to play the sad card for me. I have a shitty 12 month journey ahead of me, but I’m lucky, they say it’s curable and that is all that matters. I did go ahead and set one up though as I want to do everything I can to keep the gift co running during this bumpy ride. Feel free not to donate, but here is the link in case you want to :)

https://www.gofundme.com/inappropriate-gifts

When life gives you lemons - stab those fuckers and put the juice in your tequila!

Love Lori and the crazy fuckers I call my family X 

#makinglifefunagain   #CancerCanFuckOff


38 Responses

Michael
Michael

August 19, 2019

Thanks Lori, no longer able to look at a Kit-Kat the same way. Sending you a big HUG, might Shake the Fuck out of you and your cancer. Will give you a call next time Im in town.so we can compare our drugs. Lots of love MZ

Louise
Louise

August 02, 2019

You will definalty survive with that sense of humor, amazing woman

I was disgonised April 2016, spread to rib, L2 spine, hip and shoulder, my chemo will be on-going for life, i dont manage to bad – hold down a job four days a week and laugh as much as i can…take care now,

Nikki
Nikki

August 01, 2019

Cancer can Fuck right off! I was diagnosed with grade 3 Triple Positive Breast Cancer in Feb and just finished 4 months of chemo. Surgery next week. you’ve definitely got the right attitude. Don’t stress about what you cannot control, don’t google and ignore fuckwits that like to tell you negative stories about their ‘brothers girlfriends second cousin twice removed with cancer’
Good luck, stay strong!

Stephanie
Stephanie

August 01, 2019

Take cancer by its balls and rip those fuckers out
Looking forwatd to seeing your cancer products. I’m and RN in aged care and also have a warped sense of humour which helps me get through those rough shitty days.
🍹🍹Heres to kicking cancer in the dick🍹🍹

Benita
Benita

July 31, 2019

Sending love, strength and inspiration for more inappropriate material. Kick this cancer in the dick x

Marie
Marie

July 31, 2019

I’ve been down that road too. It’s a really shitty way to meet some amazing people. Innapropriate humour is the perfect way to get through. The louder the better 😁 stay positive and focus on your nutrition, food is fuel! Im five years clear and you will be too. Kick it ❤

Kate
Kate

July 31, 2019

What a cunt of a month you’ve had!
Sending extra strength, determination and healthy energy your way as you and your family of supporters tackle this head on.
Accept ALL the help you, hubby & kids are offered, Such amazing extra support & assistance avail through BCNA,OTIS Foundation, Cancer Council, etc. Thanks for the kick up the arse to actually get my Christmas shopping done early this year. Happy to spend my Christmas shopping $$ with you by way of some extra support. Keep being Inappropriate 💕

Mona
Mona

July 31, 2019

Your story motivated me to feel my boobs for the first time in far too long.
I hope your journey is short and you anhilate that cunty fucker, cancer toot sweet ❤️

Sarah
Sarah

July 30, 2019

Cancer sucks balls!
I hope you kick the bastard in the balls!
Stay positive and Innappropriate xoxo

Sheela
Sheela

July 30, 2019

You are so brave!! I admire you and your courage to still be inappropriate in the midst of the big C word.🤣🤣🤣
Your sense of humour will push you through this all.
I’ll be keeping you in my prayers! New follower and shopper (soon after I wade thru all your products)here❤❤❤

Andrea
Andrea

July 30, 2019

I was diagnosed with Stage 4 her2 positive exactly 1 year ago. My last scan has shown my body all clear . I have ongoing treatment of Herceptin and Perjeta every 3 weeks but that’s ok . Every day is now a blessing to me and with the drugs available now I will kick this cancer ♋️

Andrea
Andrea

July 30, 2019

I was diagnosed with Stage 4 her2 positive exactly 1 year ago. My last scan has shown my body all clear . I have ongoing treatment of Herceptin and Perjeta every 3 weeks but that’s ok . Every day is now a blessing to me and with the drugs available now I will kick this cancer ♋️

Debbie Satara
Debbie Satara

July 30, 2019

You’ve got this girl, fuck you cancer, you’re not going to beat this chick. Sending love and strength. Xxx

Jane
Jane

July 30, 2019

I am nearly 5 years out from Her2+ve breast cancer. The treatment phase is hard, but doable. Keep your eyes on the goal, and keep powering ahead! Sending you love and strength 💕

Lynn
Lynn

July 29, 2019

I love you and your humour. If don’t laugh at shitty stuff, you’d cry…and that’s far to depressing. Fuck that C word right off!

Angeline
Angeline

July 28, 2019

Thanks for sharing, I love your inappropriateness as I too consider myself inappropriate or real. You will be fine, you have a fantastic support system and we have ya back as week. Onwards and upwards !

Doris
Doris

July 27, 2019

Started my chemo in July22… right beside. You sister!

Michele M Mulich
Michele M Mulich

July 27, 2019

You and Budget Ben and the kids will make it through this awful journey and I will be excited to see the survivors on the other side. You’ve got this!

Amanda
Amanda

July 27, 2019

What a shitter. Continue to use those filthy words as an arsenal against fucking cancer. I’ve just bought another mug I don’t need but it will make me laugh and add to your coffers so ‘hurrah’. Good luck – look forward to keeping abreast (ha) of your progress xx

Jenna
Jenna

July 27, 2019

Fuck cancer indeed! Lori you’re an inspirational bloody human. I just read your post with my husband and we got all the feels. Aside from being one funny ass lady one of the reasons I follow you is because you write from such an authentic POV, we both laughed and cried. Thank you for sharing your journey and for helping remove the stupid stigma attached to openly talking about that fucked C-word. We’re sending you lots of well wishes to get you through what lies ahead. Stay strong mumma, you got this xxx

Lisa and Shane Nolan
Lisa and Shane Nolan

July 27, 2019

Lori you have so got this! Shane still talks about how you kicked his ass doing the spartan race so I know how badass you are!
We are truly saddened to hear you are going through this. Don’t stop fighting warrior woman you have a hell of a lot of people cheering for you.
Cancer can fuck right off

Deb
Deb

July 26, 2019

You are positively bloody brilliant. Your approach is awesome. We took the fuck’em route too when our family was hit with breast cancer.
Christmas and birthday gifts will be sort, as usual, from your fabulous business.

Emma
Emma

July 26, 2019

Love your gifts and your page so will be shopping some more to keep your funny and unique little business going. Good luck with the treatment. I look forward to more updates. Please be as inappropriate as you can!! Xx

Kerry
Kerry

July 26, 2019

#fuckoffcancer I need this mug. I too was diagnosed in march this year out of the blue and it does turn your world upside down. I told the doctor I was too busy to be ill 😂😂. Love the stuff you do and I will definitely be purchasing stuff for Christmas. Cancer is a CUNT and needs to Fuck Right Off . Love to you and your family. You can beat this 😘

Tammy
Tammy

July 26, 2019

Sucky diagnosis! Kick cancer’s arse! Never lose your sense of humour…it’s the only thing that doesn’t fade with time.
Certainly an opportunity to provide new merchandise, I once saw a picture if a woman wearing a t-shirt that said “yes, my boobs are fake, the real ones tried to kill me!” Stay strong! #FuckCancer

Elissa
Elissa

July 26, 2019

I love this fucking range as I to have just been diagnosed and are using humour in every way! Can’t wait to be drinking my coffee from my cancer cup! Let’s kick this C in the arse!

Bernadette
Bernadette

July 26, 2019

CANCER IS A CUNT…. All the very best for this hard road you have to travel.

Meggsy Legs
Meggsy Legs

July 26, 2019

Well that’s crap! Bet you never would have thought you would say thank fuck i did the vacuuming, and yet here we are. Eat that kit kat and #fuckoffcancer xxx

Desley
Desley

July 26, 2019

Your right Lori, cancer can fuck off! Ive been cancer free for 2 years now. And I totally believe it’s your sense of humour that gets you through. One rule we had in our house was that if anyone saw me looking sad they had to make me laugh. My 20 year old introduced me to snap chat. Holy shit I’ve never laughed so much in my life. I’ve kept all the snaps we did and we occasionally look back on then. We still piss ourselves laughing at them. All the best Lori, looking forward to the cancer range xx

Jacqui
Jacqui

July 26, 2019

Im 5 years cancer free.
My advice to you-stress about what you can control.
All the breast

Annmarie Finn
Annmarie Finn

July 26, 2019

Good luck on your C journey…I have also just started mine,7 weeks of radiation & chemo,def wasnt what I was expecting either,
Its important to laugh especially at inappropriate things!!!……….#fuckcancer

Tracey Loveridge
Tracey Loveridge

July 26, 2019

Holy Shitballs! Not what I expected to see in my newsfeed today. Well if laughter really is the best medicine I wouldn’t get too comfortable with those ridiculous gloves on! The big C just met it’s inappropriate nemesis. Big love to you and your crazy bunch ❤

Belinda
Belinda

July 26, 2019

FFS. I never expected to open one of your emails and get that sort of news. But you can do it – I know you can. All the very best, Belinda

Bev
Bev

July 26, 2019

Omg, what a great blog, I wish you a full and speedy recovery. Thank goodness your sons a messy eater :) look forward to following your journey to health and will definitely be ordering more highly inappropriate gifts. All the best, Bev x

Bev
Bev

July 26, 2019

Omg, what a great blog, I wish you a full and speedy recovery. Thank goodness your sons a messy eater :) look forward to following your journey to health and will definitely be ordering more highly inappropriate gifts. All the best, Bev x

Merri
Merri

July 26, 2019

Well cancer is both fucked and inappropriate. If you have to have it, you may as well laugh along with family and friends. Much love, Merri.

Soph
Soph

July 26, 2019

I love this! Laughed and cried. It is a great gift to make someone feel every emotion while reading your words 💕 xxx

Jan
Jan

July 26, 2019

Love what you do and look forward to my inappropriate email each week!
Wishing you well in your battle with the Big C….. you will kick it’s arse I’m sure!
Best wishes
Jan

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