April 20, 2021 4 min read 3 Comments

 WHAT NOT TO GET MUM this mothers day.

Among the list of things to avoid are..

  • House plants.. Do we really need another thing to look after and keep alive? We have enough trouble with you and your dad.
  • Be very careful with flowers..Chrysanthemum or carnations from the servo won't cut it.  They are for funerals, and it will be yours if you buy them! 
  • Chocolates, do you think we like being the size of a small whale? We can buy our own chocolates from Aldi... think outside the box!
  • Slippers or a dressing gown, nothing says I'm a middle aged mum with no life more than a dressing gown or slippers.
  • A shitty, cheap smelling candle; really, the best you can do is a Kmart Lavender candle that cost $3? Think again sunshine, your head was the size of a watermelon, I have scars to prove it, I'm worth more than that. 
  • Some hand made shit from your school... (actually this is quite sweet if you are still young BUT it does need to be accompanied by something else).
  • COLES/WOOLIES/KMART/ALDI GIFT VOUCHERS - yeah give me some money that you know is going to get spent on you. 
  • A coffee mug with mum on it, thats original! I only have 50 million mugs in the cupboard as it is. 
  • While we are on it - Let's just mention "the fucking mothers day stall" who buys this shit?  A rock with "mum rocks" on it? A car cleaning kit, a jar with cheap lollies in it (that have magically disappeared by the time the kid gets home,  a pair of fluffy socks, a pen with a calendar attached (that is 4 months into the year?) a stinky lavender smelling shit. A key ring with a light,   Please for the love of God - schools, make sure you choose the inappropriate mums group of crazie alcoholics to buy the gifts next year - they may be actually be worth the $8! and will make us laugh.  My kid told me she had got me something pink, that needed batteries and would help me at night - I was soo impressed with the stall that year until I opened it and realised it was a bloody torch!  
  • Foot spas also go on the shit bucket list, we want our whole body submerged in hot bubbly water not just our feet, we want the water to smell like rainbows, somewhere nice with a bar and fresh fruit, and at least a 90 minute massage included.  Did we mention that we lost our dignity in that birthing room when you came out and we shit the bed a bit? 
  • A magnet with "I love you mum" hmmmm nice idea, but once again it needs to come with something expensive! 
  • Underwear... this is just weird... and a bit creepy. 
  • Cheap jewellery that is going to make my skin blister. 
  • A tea towel to remind me that my life is just an endless tirade of dirty dishes.
  • A cook book. I have enough already, we all know that at the end of the day I'm going to default to Spag Bol, Taco Tuesday or takeaway
  • Active wear or fitness equipment; why not get me a t-shirt that reads "I'm an unfit, fat mum" while you are at it?
  • Bath bombs,  who the fuck has time for a bath?  If you do have time for a bath and use a bath bomb, have you ever tried to clean that scum off? NOT WORTH THE EFFORT JAN
  • Cleaning or household equipment - EVEN IF WE NEED IT, this includes: Air Fryer, Toaster, Iron, Iron Board, pie maker, rice cooker, soda stream, coffee machine, Dyson.  The only thing that may be acceptable is a Thermomix because it's expensive and we can publish to FAKEBOOK or INSTBRAG  about how #blessed we are.
  • Washing up gloves or oven mitts. Prepare to die! 
  • Gifts hubby actually wants (disguised as gifts we may like and need???) A ceiling fan, a reversing camera for the car new tools, a chain saw? I'll tell you what I will do with that chainsaw... google Lorena Bobbitt. 
  • Hat, scarf, gloves... Just fuck off. 
  • Scratchies, lottery ticket - we've got more chance of being shagged by Jason Momoa than win - save your money. 
  • Last but not least - Jesus Christ on a bike please no Lavender. 

The above list may make us look like ungrateful bitches (and to be fair we are peri-menopausal so often do have bouts of extreme mood swings) BUT in all honesty we don't care what we get, all we really want is your love and hugs and  family time and laughs together.  Other good ideas include a babysitter, a house cleaner and booze.  Anything that comes in a blue box from Tiffany's is also acceptable. 

We would like some honest appreciation for everything we do - and we do a lot, If that happens to manifest itself in love, hugs, time spent together AND an expensive gift - all the better!.

A beautiful bunch of flowers a bottle of french champagne and a $500 Visa gift card is all we (I) really want lol! (HINT HINT HUBBY) 

If you're looking for an inappropriate Mothers Day gift, then check our selection here.We have a fabulous range of gifts that will make her laugh.  

Have fun shopping for mum. 

 

Check out these fun you tube videos that also back up what we said about gifts above.  

 Hope you find them funny!

 

 


3 Responses

Haddie
Haddie

April 28, 2021

Just be grateful ffs💋

jerry hw brentnell
jerry hw brentnell

April 21, 2021

gotta love it EH!! when maw sent me to skool with a roadmap in my lunch bucket filled with week old bread and green onion sandwiches or the time I brought my my new girlfriend home to meet the rest of the family and you yelled get that whore out of the house and back to the bar you dragged her out of! yes sir ree bob you keep this here stuff cummin" love and smooches jerry from newbrunswick canada where the men are men and the sheep are nervous bye now

Jakki
Jakki

March 21, 2019

Loved the videos – thanks!

Leave a comment