WHAT NOT TO GET MUM this mothers day.

 WHAT NOT TO GET MUM this mothers day.

We birthed you from our vagina!   We need a decent gift this year!

Hopefully this blog and accompanying short videos will give you some ideas on WHAT NOT TO GET MUM this mothers day.

Here is our list of the worst 23 gifts to buy mum: 

• House plants.. Do we really need another thing to look after and keep alive? We have enough trouble with you and your dad.
• Be very careful with flowers. Chrysanthemum or carnations from the servo won't cut it.  They are for funerals, and it will be yours if you buy them! 
• Chocolates, do you think we like being the size of a small whale? We can buy our own chocolates from Aldi... think outside the box!
• Slippers or a dressing gown, nothing says I'm a middle aged mum with no life more than a dressing gown or slippers.
• A shitty, cheap smelling candle; really, the best you can do is a Kmart Lavender candle that cost $3? Think again sunshine, your head was the size of a watermelon, I have scars to prove it, I'm worth more than that. 
• Some hand made shit from your school... (actually this is quite sweet if you are still young BUT it does need to be accompanied by something else).
• COLES/WOOLIES/KMART/ALDI GIFT VOUCHERS - yeah give me some money that you know is going to get spent on you. 
• A coffee mug with mum on it, that's original! I only have 50 million mugs in the cupboard as it is.  Unless it is an inappropriate mothers day mug - that will make me laugh every day, then forget it!
• While we are on it - Let's just mention "the fucking mothers day stall" who buys this shit?  A rock with "mum rocks" on it? A car cleaning kit, a jar with cheap lollies in it (that have magically disappeared by the time the kid gets home,  a pair of fluffy socks, a pen with a calendar attached (that is 4 months into the year?) a stinky lavender smelling shitty thing. A key ring with a light,   Please for the love of God ! Thiis is a note to all schools, can you please make sure you choose the inappropriate mums group of crazie alcoholics to buy the gifts next year - they may be actually be worth the $8! and will make us laugh.  My kid told me she had got me something pink, that needed batteries and would help me at night - I was soo impressed with the stall that year until I opened it and realised it was a bloody torch!  
• Foot spas also go on the shit bucket list, we want our whole body submerged in hot bubbly water not just our feet, we want the water to smell like rainbows, somewhere nice with a bar and fresh fruit and at least a 90 minute massage included.  Did we mention that we lost our dignity in that birthing room when you came out and we shit the bed a bit? 
• A magnet with "I love you mum" hmmmm nice idea, but once again it needs to come with something expensive! 
• Underwear... this is just weird... and a bit creepy. 
• Cheap jewellery that is going to make my skin blister. 
• A tea towel to remind me that my life is just an endless tirade of dirty dishes.
• A cook book. I have enough already, we all know that at the end of the day I'm going to default to Spag Bol, Taco Tuesday or takeaway.
• Active wear or fitness equipment; why not get me a t-shirt that reads "I'm an unfit, fat mum" while you are at it?
• Bath bombs,  who the fuck has time for a bath?  If you do have time for a bath and use a bath bomb, have you ever tried to clean that scum off? NOT WORTH THE EFFORT JAN.
• Cleaning or household equipment - EVEN IF WE NEED IT, this includes: Air Fryer, Toaster, Iron, Iron Board, pie maker, rice cooker, soda stream, coffee machine, Dyson.  The only thing that may be acceptable is a Thermomix because it's expensive and we can publish to FAKEBOOK or INSTBRAG  about how #blessed we are.
• Washing up gloves or oven mitts. Prepare to die! 
• Gifts hubby actually wants (disguised as gifts we may like and need???) A ceiling fan, a reversing camera for the car, new tools, a chain saw? I'll tell you what I will do with that chainsaw... google Lorena Bobbitt. 
• Hat, scarf, gloves... Just fuck off. 
• Scratchies, lottery ticket - we've got more chance of being shagged by Jason Momoa than win - save your money. 
• Last but not least - Jesus Christ on a bike please no Lavender. 

The above list may make us look like ungrateful bitches (and to be fair we are peri-menopausal so often do have bouts of extreme mood swings) BUT in all honesty we don't care what we get, all we really want is your love and hugs and  family time and laughs together.  Other good ideas include a babysitter, a house cleaner and booze.  Anything that comes in a blue box from Tiffany's is also acceptable. 

We would like some honest appreciation for everything we do - and we do a lot, If that happens to manifest itself in love, hugs, time spent together AND an expensive gift - all the better!.

A beautiful bunch of flowers a bottle of french champagne and a $500 Visa gift card is all we (I) really want lol! (HINT HINT HUBBY) 

If you're looking for an inappropriate Mothers Day gift, then check our selection here.We have a fabulous range of gifts that will make her laugh.  

Have fun shopping for mum. 

Check out these fun you tube videos that also back up what we said about gifts above.  

 Hope you find them funny!

 Here are some of our favourite mum buys. 

Mum - the realistic definition mug. 

We all know the fun mums are sweary motherfuckers.. !

She may also need some of these pills to help her deal with the stresses of life

FUCKITALL 

Or she may need this spray to help her deal with the stresses of life!

Mums always ache... they need time to have a nice relaxing bath with some blended essential oils and salts .... 

Or treat her to a beautiful wheat heat sack to soothe her aches and pains. 

Or the ultimate mum's candle 

A matching mum and daughter apron? 

To have a look at our other bestselling gifts..