At this time of year nice mums start stressing about what to get little Johnny’s teacher (not me, I don’t like my kids teachers).
Thanks to all my lovely inappropriate mums (who also happen to be teachers), here is our list of WHAT NOT TO GET THEM:
1) Do not get them anything with your kids name or face on. FFS Karen, they’ve had to endure your little shitbag all bloody year - the last thing they need is a photo of him adorning a Christmas ornament and staring like chucky at them during the Xmas break.
2) Any homemade or handcrafted goodies, especially if dirty Dylan help make them. You may as well hand them a petri dish containing the ecoli virus and ask them to smear it into any open wounds. FFS Karen put the prepared cookie dough away, no one wants to taste your wares (including your husband).
3) Do not attempt any handmade items either, they do not want your feeble attempts at crafty shit. If you feel the need to crochet a Christmas tree, knit gloves, bake a gingerbread house, give artwork from your 5 year old than save that shit for the dementia patients at the local retirement village.
4) Candles... unless they are really really expensive ones! Don’t try and palm off those cheap smelling citrus AKA “shitrus” candles. Unless it’s Jo Malone or Lumira, don’t even think about it Karen.
5) Body and bath products. If you buy these you are obviously thinking about the teacher naked. Creepy Karen! If it’s not a gift voucher from L’Occitane give it a miss. They do not want another bloody coconut and lime coffee scrub from Priceline.
6) Coffee mugs. They get at least 5 a year and they have been teaching for 15 years, that’s a lot of bloody cupboard space Karen! The only time a coffee mug is acceptable is if it is a gift from THE INAPPROPRIATE GIFT CO and don’t even think about getting them tea, coffee or a friggen hot chocolate sachet with two marshmallows to go with it, the only thing they need in their inappropriate coffee mug is vodka.
7) Anything that is marketed to dumb shoppers as “ Teacher Gifts” you know the ones we mean - a wooden heart with ‘it takes a big heart to shape little minds’ Well you know what Karen it takes a little mind to buy such crap. You can be sure that whatever little treasure of a teacher gift you think you’ve found, they would have already received 10 of them.
8) Jewellery ... really Karen? Well unless it is something from Tiffanys, I suggest you rethink those dangly elf earrings that will make her pierced ears pus up and scab within seconds.
9) A plant. Do I need to even explain? FFS Karen as if teachers haven’t got enough to worry about in the non existent spare time they have. The plants they get at Christmas die Karen, just like their will to live when school commences in January. I hate to mention this just in case someone does it but they DO NOT NEED a packet of seeds with a handwritten note saying “thanks for planting the seeds of wisdom in to my child” If you really must go green, get them a Bunnings Voucher but make sure it includes the sausage sizzle.
10) Chocolate or sugary treats. Do you think they like being a size 16 Karen? They don’t shop at Sussan out of choice, it’s the only place they can buy clothes because of all the bloody chocolates they have to eat at Christmas time. A box of chocolates literally translates to “Sorry I can’t be arsed to get you a gift’ Don't do it.
11) A water bottle with something teachery on it like I have a thirst for knowledge or this bottle contains the tears of my students...the only tears will be yours Karen as you get punched in the face because you are the 100th person to give her a cheap plastic water bottle.
12) ANYTHING FESTIVE... they do not need ANOTHER elf hat, Xmas ornament, snow globe with your kids face in it, wrapping paper, Xmas pens, Xmas photo frames, a bloody Xmas pudding, a ham bag, or if you're Italian a Panettone. FFS Karen, put that singing snowman back on the shelf at Ronnies!
Start treating your teacher like you would want to be treated, club together with other parents and get a decent gift voucher or a nice bottle of alcohol or ANYTHING from The Inappropriate Gift Co.