What NOT to get your wife this Valentine's day.

Before we start, let's state the obvious, yes, Valentine's day is a fabricated bullsh*t day invented by retailers who need the cash you don’t have after Christmas.  

The words of Susan echo everywhere  “I would rather you show me that you love me during the year than buy me a gift on Valentine's day”

It is commercial, it is overpriced, it is a day that you are more likely to get wrong than get right… so let’s help you out because when we say:

“It’s a commercial trap, we don’t want anything“ 

Whatever you do, don’t buy us nothing!

Flowers

You can’t go wrong with flowers surely?  Well Dave, yes you f*cking can.  

Personally I would rather put a turd on the table than a vase of red or pink Chrysanthemums or as I like to call them (Cry-sad-mums).

If you buy us a huge bouquet of red roses, we will probably think, f*ck me – how much did that cost us?   

The only time a huge oversized, overpriced bouquet of flowers on Valentines day is appreciated is when it is delivered to me at work in front of colleagues I want to impress or if I want to brag on FAKEBOOK or INSTABRAG #OMGBLESSED

Other considerations with flowers:

• No service station flower purchasing - we can tell those bunches immediately and it reeks of “I don’t love you, but I’ll get you something because I don’t want to be in the shit again” 
• We don’t want a plant in lieu of flowers - the last thing we need is another needy item requiring us to keep it alive we already have you, squabbling kids and a dog with anxiety. 
• If you go with flowers, make sure it’s a nice size, professional looking bouquet with flowers that suit the colour aesthetics of our home.  A potted orchid may be a safe bet.

Chocolates

Nothing heart shaped, in fact chocolates are not really a good gift, the kids will want them, they will make us feel fat and they show almost zero creativity on your part.  That said if you wanted to slip in a large box of Maltesers in addition to something else we probably wouldn’t complain.

Lingerie

Really Dave?  Good luck with that!

If you get us a size too small, we will obsess about our weight, if you get us something rhino sized, you may as well kiss sexy time goodbye.  The simple fact is that as a wife we wear underwear that is comfortable. Lace is itchy as f*ck and hard to get skid marks out of!  Lingerie is a no because the last thing we feel like doing is making you horny and adding another job to our list!

Edible undies are also a no no, but those chocolate body pens may be worth a try! The best thing you can do if you are hoping for a bit of sexy time tbh is wash your dick and do the dishes.

Champagne

Ok Dave, now we are talking.

Along with that jumbo box of Maltesers, you can buy us Champagne. Just make sure it is the proper French stuff not Jacobs Creek or Yellow.

Dressing gown, sleepwear, slippers

Are we your mum?

If you buy any of these, what you are really saying is any spark of sexual desire has now been extinguished in our relationship.  The truth is we would probably really like a nice PJ set from Peter Alexander but the chance of you getting us something we like is nil so don’t try.

Anything we actually need

You may think you are being smart because you remembered us saying how much we really needed a new iPad charger.  If you buy us something for Valentines day that we need or were going to buy anyway, that really sucks.   You may as well say “Darling your gift is an appointment with the Dr next Thursday at 3pm for a smear test”.  

This includes fitness equipment. Yes, we may have said we needed a new foam roller and we want to get in shape this year, but not on Valentines day. We don't need to be reminded about how chunky we are!

Perfume

If we are running low on our favourite scent this may be an idea.  If however you decide to risk buying us something new, you are even more stupid than we thought. Smell is a hugely personal thing. The perfume we like to wear has to be one of the most personal choices a woman will ever make, so don’t go messing about getting us something new, chances are it will smell like cat piss on our skin.

Anything rose scented 

See above paragraph mentioning cat piss. Rose scented anything reminds us of Great Aunt Mary in the nursing home.

Cuddly toys

JUST NO - unless it’s a life size Jason Momoa doll.   Now Jase is single though, you could give us a hall pass and try and get us a date with this hunk of spunk. 

Anything alive

You won’t be alive on 15^th Feb if you do this.

Household appliances

Hopefully you wouldn’t be so stupid to buy an apron, tea towel, washing up gloves, rice cooker or nutribullet.  

A thermomix may be acceptable (only because it is expensive and we can brag about it on Fakebook or Instabrag).

Dinner out on Feb 14th 

Not a good idea Dave.  It's more expensive, it's hard to get a table, it will be packed so service will be shit and as a married couple it is very depressing to be surrounded by 20 somethings in lust, having a great time laughing with sexual tension, while we sit there waiting for the creme caramel and discussing our son’s next jiu jitsu grading.

Jewellery

Chances are Dave you don’t have enough money to buy us what we would really like jewellery wise, so don’t try. 

Cheap jewellery makes our skin scab which is not conducive to a sexy time.  Once again unless it is something we can tag #OMGSOOBLESSED on Fakebook or Instabrag don’t bother.

Bath products - heart shaped or otherwise

So the message you want to send us this Valentine's day is that we are “unclean?"  Unless it is a huge gift hamper from L’Occitane  - those rose scented bath salts can f*ck off.

A RAPID ANTIGEN TEST 

NOT FUNNY or eggs, or toilet paper or lettuce's or frozen french fries or anything that is in a current shortage,. 

So what do we want?

It may seem like we are hard to please Dave, but what we really want is something that money can’t buy... CONNECTION. 

Some examples of this in gift form are:

• A laugh - via a shared experience or inappropriate gift (theinappropriategiftco.com redballoon.com.au)
• Cherished memories – A photo book of memories of us as a couple  (before the rug rats sucked all the life out of us).
• Time together – book that date night (but MAKE SURE you take care of ALL the details  (babysitter, transport, table booking, back up babysitter)
• Time to pamper ourself - a 90 minute massage, with a jade face roller as a free gift,  a floatation tank experience, something that will give us time to unwind and relax so that we can be nicer to you. 
• A hamper of our favourite things – it doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to show that you care (mine would have pickled onion monster munch,  Lumira candle, Maltesers and a bottle of Aperol in it).

If you heed our advice there is a 50/50 chance you may not be in the shit and finally get some sexy time.

Good Luck this Valentine's day!